


what was left behind, what we found again

by lorilanda



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: 2019 Hunter X Hunter Big Bang, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Magic, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, They are both somewhere around nineteen in this, friends to lovers to never speaking to each other again, i say friends to lovers but what i mean is actually, so let the fun begin, to awkward aquaintances to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2020-04-05 03:10:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19039963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorilanda/pseuds/lorilanda
Summary: The story of two whose love was torn apart by what they wanted in life - and how they got a second chance, so that they could try once more.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This has been my piece for this year's Hunter x Hunter Big Bang! It was amazing, 10/10 would participate again if I find the time haha
> 
> In the meanwhile, enjoy the story!

They’re fifteen when it all ends.

It’s not like they didn’t dance around the topic for ages now. There isn’t a day where Killua can’t find Gon staring out of a window, eyes fixed on the silhouette of a huge city in the distance. Killua instinctively knows what’s on his mind; and he knows just as well that this life will never satisfy his greed for what Gon truly wants: the dark green robes of an alchemist.

And there isn’t a day where Gon doesn’t have to wave in front Killua’s face to bring his thoughts back to the present. Away from dark claws and fangs and even darker shadows, ripping Alluka Zoldyck from her family to be never seen again. And Gon knows that Killua will never be able to rest until he knows what happened to the little sister he lost before he could really get to know her.

They try to comfort each other, of course. Killua’s efforts are spectacular, trying to remind Gon of what he has here at Whale Island. And Gon’s efforts are warm, coming from the depths of his heart, when he tries to distract Killua time and time again from the past that haunts him.

And they both know that neither family nor true love will be able to hold them back.

So it's a conversation that's inevitable, really. But they are still shocked when one evening at a small kitchen table they talk about what is on their minds. And even more, when they realize how much their goals differ from each other's.

Their talk is long. It's frustrating, and contains more shouting from Killua than he will ever admit. More kindness from Gon than he is willing to put before his determination. It's only after several hours that they decide on what is the only possible solution for them - or so they think. Go separate ways, and follow what their hearts truly tell them.

For wishes are stronger than the one true love, no matter how much their souls scream and long for each other.

And Killua goes the next day, in the dark, to never come back, to find his sister and leave his love behind.

And Gon leaves with the entire island waving him goodbye, a loving family in his wake. He leaves with joy, with expectation and the promise of magic and witchcraft humming in the air. And closer than ever to the one goal he longs for: the dark green robes of an alchemist.

They both pretend that they never looked back.


	2. blood, words, ink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua receives a letter.

(They’re eighteen when the universe gives them a chance to start over.)

Killua breathes. It's hard - there's a huge claw wound in his side that sends burning pain through his body with every breath he takes. He’s pretty sure he’s losing more and more blood with every passing second, too. That's... not good. Killua's judgement and senses aren't at their best right now, but he knows that there shouldn't be this much blood on his jacket.

Stupid white clothes.

He’s somewhere in the mountains, far away from any sign of civilization. There's a huge monster, very much dead and bleeding even more than he is, on the ground before him. Huge black spikes line its back and three rows of razor-sharp teeth are bared at Killua. Bloodlust, even in death. One of Killua's swords is impaled deeply in it's chest, between scales and leather-like skin. He would like to get it back, he thinks absently, but guesses that he would probably die from blood loss before that. Not something he particularly wants right now.

Okay. Think wisely, now.

He forces himself to focus - as much as possible, anyway, because with every drop of blood he loses, it becomes harder for him to think clearly. But if he doesn't find a way out here soon, it will be his death, even before the wolves and some unspeakable creatures find him. Killua, former heir to the Zoldyck house, current monster hunter, bleeding out on some stupid rocks because he wasn't smart enough to find his way out of here. What a stupid ending this would be.

The mountains surrounding him are of the dry, monotonous sort. There's brown stone under his feet, which feels dusty and harsh now, and he thinks that the snow on some of the more distant mountains seems really pretty. There's a way down here, it has to be, because he came up here somehow, right? It's a small, stony path, but maybe he will manage to climb down without breaking all his bones.

The mountains surrounding him are of the dry, monotonous sort. There's brown stone under his feet, which feels dusty and harsh now, and he thinks that the snow on some of the more distant mountains seems really pretty. There's a way down here, it has to be, because he came up here somehow, right? It's a small, stony path, but maybe he will manage to climb down without breaking all his bones.

It's quite difficult to move with a huge claw in his side, he finds out, especially if every movement he makes, no matter how small, sends burning pain through his body. But he manages. He manages, and ten minutes later he finds himself at the foot of a small mountain pass, which eases into a slightly bigger, slightly less difficult path. If he follows it for long enough, it will lead to the village, where they’ll hopefully have a healer. A very good one. And they better fucking have the money they promised him for taking down the beast in the mountains. He doesn't kill monsters for charity, after all.

Dragging himself down the path takes slightly more time than he anticipated. With every step, he loses some more blood, leaving a small trail of crimson behind him as he stumbles, almost falls, gets up again. The world is starting to get blurry around him when he finally passes the tree he thinks might be the mark that he'll be there soon; but he is too engulfed by his pain, getting worse from minute to minute, as that he could focus on something so mundane as the shape of a tree.

Faces appear in his thoughts. Some are smiling, some are looking him with disappointment, some with a stern look, but they do have one thing in common: They are people Killua wants to meet again, if only once, before he dies. Wants to spit into his mother's face, wants to tell his father that he can do better than his destiny and his grandfather that he will find his own way in life, instead of following the one that has been laid out for him even before his birth. Wants to hug his sister once again, feeling her warmth in her arms as she laughs into the fabric of his shirt.

Wants to see a smile so warm, so bright, by a person he knows he will never see again. Gon might be far gone now, off in a city Killua can't remember the name of right now, but just because there are over a thousand miles between them doesn't mean that he has ever left Killua's thoughts. His friend, his lover, his soulmate in this life and the next.

'Hey, Killua, do you think we will meet again in our next life?'

'What kind of silly question is that? Of course we will!'

There are black spots in his view now. He can barely focus anymore, can't really see anything that is before him- is that a road? Did he actually make it down that mountain or is this just a last gentle illusion caused by his brain before he will die of blood loss? He thinks he falls, first down to his knees and then lengthwise on the cold, hard ground beneath him.

But then there are people shouting, someone gently lifting his head from the ground and brushing his hair from his forehead, carefully lifting his arm from where he laid it over his blood-stained stomach. "Gods", somebody says, appalled. "How is he even still alive?"

"Somebody call a healer!", another person shouts, and that is the last think Killua remembers before reality gives place to a dark velvet sleep. He can close his eyes now.

\---

When he opens his eyes once again, the world is too bright for him to see, so he squeezes his eyes shut after a split second, only allowing himself to open them slowly again after a few seconds have passed.

Where am I?

Looking around, there are a few things he notices. The sunlight shining through the window and filling the whole room with an otherworldly glow. The small room, itself, which looks like his own but with a mind still half asleep Killua can't really tell. And a smiling girl looking at him with closed eyes.

As soon as Killua realizes he has company, he sits up a bit straighter, looking at the girl with wary eyes. He has been a monster hunter long enough to know that not every nice stranger is human, and that those who are not don't always have the best intentions. "Who are you?", he demands, and gets only a soft smile in return.

"Thank the Gods you're awake", the girl says. "I was beginning to worry that you wouldn't awake at all."

"Who are you?", Killua repeats, because that is his first priority right now. First, finding out who that strange person is. Seconds, his own safety.

"I'm only a young healer, working in the village", the girl says. "Call me Komugi!"

A healer? Killua looks down at his body in confusion. Why did he need a healer again?

Then it all comes to him again.

"Shit!" Memories flood his mind all over again and he can't help the panic that consumes him for a moment when he thinks about the fight with the monster on the mountain again. It is more of a reflex than a conscious move when he lifts his shirt to stare at the huge wound beneath it - and finds only unharmed skin.

He looks at the girl - Komugi - in confusion. "How did you..." He trails off, because he knows exactly how she did it. Magic, the one thing that still leaves a bitter aftertaste in Killua's thoughts, because it is what is responsible for taking away everything he loves. Nothing good can come from magic.

"Your wound, you mean?" Komugi lifts a hand and a soft, rainbow-colored light appears around it. "I healed it. My gift isn't that great, and I am fairly useless in all other things, but I can heal those who couldn't be saved otherwise." She smiles. "Your wound felt huge, as if it sucked the life force out of you. It must have hurt so much."

Only now Killua realizes that she must be blind. A blind girl, healing those beyond saving in a small village somewhere in the mountains. Completely harmless, and yet Killua suddenly feels angry at her, because she and her Gift symbolize everything he tries to avoid.

But his anger fades away as soon as it came. Instead, he tries to move his arms and grins when there is no pain, no visible sign of any injury. "Thanks", he says to her. "For healing me. How much do I owe you?" The fact that magic was used against him without his consent still feels like a slap in the face, but he thinks it is better than dying somewhere on a lonely mountain.

She shakes her head, suddenly moving fast as if she is embarrassed. "I- I don't take payment!", she says. "I do it because I want to help people, not because I need the money, so don't pay me just because you think it is what you should do!"

Komugi thinks for a moment, putting her fingers to her chin and turning her head to one side, as if she wants to remember something. Then her face brightens. "But there’s a letter waiting for you. It arrived yesterday, I think, yesterday", she explains. "While you were off to fight the monster. Maybe you should look at it."

A letter?

"Thanks", Killua says. "I will." But not now, because tiredness is dragging at him again, forcing him to fall into sleep's gentle shadows again. "Sometime."

"Take your time", Komugi says and stands up, making her way to the door with the help of a wooden stick. "Sleep well!" Then she leaves, and Killua is left alone in the room once again. Half-asleep, he stares at the ceiling.

What kind of letter was sent to him? Who could know he was here?

He doesn't know, but fairly - he has more important things to do right now. Like sleeping. And sleep welcomes him once again in soft arms, and he forgets about the world.

\---

The people from the inn downstairs, where he booked his room when he was called into the village to slay the monsters a few days ago, were quite friendly. They thanked him a thousand times, they paid him in food and lovely words and gold, of course, and they handed him a letter.

"The Order sent this", the innkeeper said. "It is addressed to you, Sir, so I didn't open it."

The dark green seal was heavy in Killua's hands, promising a new hunt, a new bounty or a call to another adventure. It wasn't the first time Killua received a letter from the Order of Magic, but even as a registered monster hunter, these letters were still rare and each one of them had a special occasion as a cause.

The words are written in elegant, green handwriting, whispering their sound against Killua's fingers as he traces the letters absently while reading through the content.

_Registered Monster Hunter Killua Zoldyck,_

_we request of you that this letter is kept by you with the uttermost secrecy. Nobody but you will open it, or read it, unless we explicitly state so. As always, the missions assigned to you are top priority, and we cannot risk to let anybody who is not qualified for this mission read these following words. We trust you to understand, and handle this letter wisely._

_Now, regarding our request. We wish for you to take part in an, fairly, abnormal monster hunt; for this time, it isn't a hunt at all, rather an investigation. One of the students training to be an Alchemist is recently haunted by a mysterious being which seems to be set on causing him harm. To prevent any fatal incidents, we wish for you to investigate the cause and type of this monster, to ensure a safe learning space. If you intend on taking on this assignment, please respond to our headquarters in the city of Bishmareth, our capital, within twelve days. Otherwise, we request of you to forget you have ever read this letter, and act as if you have no knowledge of said incident._

_We look forward to hearing from you._

_The administration of the Order of Magic_

Killua stares at the letters, soft and elegant and dark green on the white parchment, for a moment, before he allows himself to breathe again. In all the missions he did so far for the Order, something like this had never occurred to him. Most of his missions are straightforward: There is a monster haunting a village, or a city, or guiding a treasure. It is a danger, or it has something the order has, or there is a deeper issue. We want you to kill it, or fight it, or secure something. Those are Killua's usual missions, the ones he knew as well as his own heartbeat and could complete without thinking. Those are familiar, united with his flesh and bones and being at this point.

But a mission like this? The Order sounded like they have no idea themselves what they are dealing with, and protecting a student sounds so much more difficult than to simply kill a beast. Not to mention that every time the academy is mentioned, Killua's heartbeat quickens and he suddenly has problems to breathe right, because there is, what he fears and wishes for the most: Gon Freeccs, former friend turned almost-lover turned stranger. The thought of meeting him again after all those years makes Killua want to turn around and run as far away as he can.

But in front of the innkeepers, watching him curiously, he can't do something like this. When he stands up, he nods into their direction friendly, before he excuses himself to his room. He has preparations to make, and he won't wait.

Because if he hesitates any longer, he might just continue to run forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @songbird-words on tumblr!


	3. arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua vs. everyone else, mostly

Spring in Bishmarenth is cold. Even though the sun shines and it is way past March, Killua freezes when he walks through the streets, vaguely thinking that maybe he should have brought more to wear than the simple, light clothes he used to wear back in the south all the time. Maybe something with long sleeves would have been nice, but he can't just buy something now, not with time and pressure in his back.

His way eventually leads him in front of a huge building - a fortress, really, because it was used as one in the last big magical war. But that was years ago and now the walls of blank, white marble host nobody but Alchemists in it, teachers and students with peaceful intentions alike. Killua once read that everyone who enters the building is obligated to take up a swear not to practice violence within these walls, and the nearer he gets, the more he can understand why. The walls sing a song of bloody days and death, and he briefly wonders how anyone could manage to live in this building at all, without growing mad. It's one of the wonders of being an Alchemist, he guesses. A mind as pure as snow, and without the ugly threads of corruption woven through thoughts.

Two people stand guard at the entrance, both dressed in the Alchemists' dark green robes. One of them has a white beard, the other one bolts of lighting tattooed on his bald head. Both hold lances in front of him when he comes closer.

"What is your intention here?", one of them asks, and Killua can't help but to sigh. The letter alone was formal enough for his taste, and with everybody here speaking like they devoured ancient books, he wonders if he is going to last at least two weeks of speech so formal it might just be from at least two centuries ago.

"My name is Killua Zoldyck", Killua says, opening his bag to look for the document marking him as a professional monster hunter. When he finally finds it between coins and strange potions, he holds it out in front of him. "The Order told me they got a job for me."

One of the guards - the one with the lightnings - squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, eying the document closely as if he tries to prove that it's fake. When he doesn't find anything, he looks at Killua with open distrust. "You look a little young to be a monster hunter. What are you, twelve?" With that, all of his former professionality is lost. What a pitiful person.

Instead of being offended by the guard, Killua simply grins smugly, because he knows that they can't touch him. His documents are real, he has a job, and he absolutely has the upper hand in this conversation. "I'm eighteen and a half", he says and lets out a dangerous smile. Like a snake cornering its prey. "And I've been doing this job for almost ten years. So if you would please let me pass - I don't think the higher ranks like to be kept waiting."

The guard looks at him suspiciously, but as he inspects Killua's papers, even he as to admit that they are as real as they get. Killua grins smugly and snatches the sheets from the guard's hands.

"If I may?" Killua asks and doesn't wait for an answer as he walks past them, crossing the small bridge that separates the Academy from the rest of the city and leaves them behind.

Inside the castle, the first thing that awaits him is a huge hall. No, an open space, actually, if there wasn't a huge glass dome that spreads far above his head and breaks the late afternoon's last light rays. Around him, there are spotless white buildings, most likely made of marble as they look. Killua's read up on the place's history before he came here, but he just can't wrap his mind around the fact that these buildings are supposed to be thousands of years old. They look untouched, as if time has stopped for them.

It doesn't take him long to find the main building - at least not after he asks the first alchemist student he sees - a shy girl with red hair that takes one look at the blood stains on Killua's shoes and is suddenly very helpful - and follows her hasty description. The building he finally finds isn't too different from the rest of the Campus, only varying in size and shape of the marble blocks it's build from. But once he enters, he forgets about the building's architecture and looks.

At least from the outside.

Because Killua, who has seen a lot in his short life, isn't easy to impress - but he can easily admit that this is the most stunning building he has ever seen.

Around him grows what seems to be a library. Except it isn't really, because every shelf isn't made from clean-cut wood like it seemed at first, and instead diverges into roots that grow all over the floor and the walls, connecting the whole building like the veins and arteries of a human body. Mesmerized, one second all he can do is stand and watch as the roots and twigs of this huge tree pulsate softly with bright blue light that seems to come from inside the wood. It isn't like anything he has ever seen, and that fascinates him more than anything.

He is drawn from his thoughts when somebody clears their throat next to him.

"Mr. Zoldyck, I assume?"

He turns around abruptly and stands face to face with an elderly man that looks at him curiously. He barely waits for Killua's nod of confirmation before turning around again, pacing quickly to the other side of the room. "Please follow me."

With no other options Killua can currently think of, he chooses to simply follow the man, entering a small room that leads away from the main hall into a long hallway. It's darker in here, and Killua starts to feel uncomfortable by the narrow walls and the missing light almost immediately.

The man lights a lantern and it makes the shadows on the walls come alive as he walks down the corridor. "I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but this is the shortest way to the student's quarters. We will be there soon."

"Right." Killua uses the following silence to ask the question that has burned in his mind all along: "About that, are there any details I should know of? Your academy's letter was pretty vague about the whole monster thing-y."

The man clears his throat awkwardly. "I'm afraid I don't know all the details either, especially regarding the monster itself - but you will be able to ask the student himself soon, won't you?" He chuckles, and Killua thinks that he is either disregarding a dangerous entity or just plain very much not concerned about the whole thing. Leave it to the professional monster hunter and don't busy yourself with the monster that could kill your students, apparently.

"Uhm. Yes. Who is that student, anyway?" Killua was picky about the people he worked with. Very picky. And if that new job of his included babysitting a magic student that turned out to be a pricky too-rich-for-your-own-good brat, he would quit immediately. No matter the money, this would be something he definitely wouldn't put up with.

The man hums. "He's an alchemy student, I believe", he says. "Around your age, if I had to guess, and honestly one of the brightest heads we have around here. I'll tell ya, that boy is gonna go places one day."

An alchemist? Killua's traitorous heart stings a bit at the man's words, because he can't help but to think of Gon. Gon, who could be in this building in this very moment, breathing and living his life without any idea that Killua is so close to him for the first time in... how long has it been, again? Three years? Four? Killua lost track of time very long ago-

"But anyways, we're here." The man interrupts Killua's thoughts when he stops in front of a heavy door that looks like it hasn't been opened in at least a century. Maybe two. "Behind this door, there are the student headquarters. Your client should be waitin' there."

Killua takes a deep breath, tries to ban all thoughts of Gon from his mind - with little success - and effortlessly slips back into the role of the cold-blooded, repellent monster hunter everyone sees him as. He has a client to protect and a monster to slay.

The man opens the door, and Killua sees the student.

His blood freezes when he sees who it is.


	4. and thus, we meet again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> annd slowly we're getting somewhere! enjoy those two idiots ignoring (and pining for) each other for almost 3k words!

The man opens the door, and when Killua sees who his client is, he wants to turn around and run for his life.

Because standing there in the doorway, looking like he saw a ghost just mere moments ago, is no other than Gon Freeccs.

It's funny, really. Gon looks nothing like he did when he was fifteen - back then, he was all skin and bones, but the years made his back broader and his arms less skinny, as if he has finally grown into his body. The green robes of an Alchemist suit him well, Killua has to admit, bringing out the color of his amber eyes and finally making him look like the magic prodigy he undoubtedly is, even was before he began his training at the Academy. Thinking about what Gon must be able to do, now that he's getting proper magical training, terrifies Killua more than he wants to admit.

But despite everything that has changed over the course of these past few years, there are the things that haven't changed, as well - it's almost cruel, because Killua knows this face and every damn emotion portrayed on it better than he knows his own, and even after all these years the small things about Gon haven't changed at all. Like the slight widening of his eyes that indicates shock and the way he instinctively averts his gaze to the ground for a second in awkwardness, and shame, before raising his head again. Spite, defiance; Gon has never been one to submit.

Oh, it hurts - or it would, if Killua wasn't so damn surprised right now. Shocked, call it what you want.

He turns to the man still standing beside him, who is seemingly not noticing how tense the situation just got. "Don't tell me I'll have to work with- with him!"

Killua flinches at how vile, how hateful the words sounds the moment he speaks them. But how can he look Gon in the eye after everything? He flashes a look at Gon, and for a split second, he can see the same hurt appear and disappear in Gon's amber eyes, before perfect calm settles in again. It makes Killua want to scream, to cry and to run away - to take back everything he said just now. Gon doesn't deserve this, and neither does he.

The man frowns, like he doesn't understand Killua's sudden reluctance. "I'm afraid he is the client you were asked to come here for. Is there a problem, Master Killua?"

"Killua." Gon interrupts before Killua can bring himself to speak another word, and for a second, Killua is taken aback by how calm, and how soft, how warm Gon sounds.

Gon smiles at him, and then turns to the clerk. "I think we will be fine, no need to worry. Right?"

Killua swallows, then nods. "Right." After a moment, he adds: "We will manage."

"Understood." For a moment, the clerk looks to Killua, then to Gon and then to Killua again, frowning slightly, but if he has any thoughts about their situation, he doesn't voice them. Instead, he bows slightly in front of both of them. "I'll be taking my leave, then. Master Killua, the Academy awaits your success impatiently, so please notify someone as soon as you dealt with the problem. Your accommodations will be in Master Gon's rooms, so you can be as close to him as possible. If there are any complications, please don't hesitate to contact any of the staff." He bows again, then turns around and leaves - this time through another corridor than the one he and Killua came through. Killua watches him leave for a moment, then turns around again. To Gon. Who watches him thoroughly.

"It's nice to see you again, Killua", Gon says awkwardly, when Killua lacks too many words to say anything. "It was lonely here at the Academy, all alone, you know?"

How do you respond to that? Killua sees what Gon is trying to do - break the silence, make the atmosphere between the two of them less awkward, if only a bit, try to stir small talk - but the thought of chatting with Gon as if they were back on Whale Island and nothing had changed, makes Killua feel more than uncomfortable. As if nothing had happened between the two of them.

"Are we just gonna pretend nothing happened at all?", he finally asks, almost tireldy, when he can't stand to stay silent any longer. He only half regrets the words.

Gon falls silent almost immediately, and then there it is again. He averts his gaze, just for the span of a single moment, because he is ashamed (like he should?) and he doesn't want to talk about it. Killua almost wants to laugh bitterly because after all these years he can still read Gon like an open book; even though they are most likely completely different people now, he still has a feeling like he knows Gon, like they are just stupid, naive teenagers back at Whale Island. Like their dreams and fears never got in the way of them.

"Sorry." Killua stares at the sun-filled window at the opposite side of the corridor, at the floor, everywhere where he doesn't have to look at Gon. It's even harder than he thought, seeing Gon again. Especially with everything that was and wasn't said between them.

"No, it's- it's fine", Gon stammers. His voice got deeper - how does Killua notice it only now? But it's only logical, and Killua has to admit, it suits him. Suits the prestigious Alchemy student. Where's the difference, anyways? "I should be the one to apologize. I didn't think that-"

He stops, and doesn't continue even after a few seconds, but Killua has a pretty good guess about what he was about to say anyway. He doesn't need to hear it.

"Nevermind", he says. "Where are your rooms?"

Gon looks surprised (when Killua dares to look at him at last), but quickly catches himself and nods. "Uh, they are down the hall. Follow me?", he says with a weak smile. Killua shoves his hands in the pockets of his pants and does as he was told as Gon walks down the hallway. At this time of the day, there are barely any students there, and the few that are are sitting under the large glass windows, trying to catch the last sunbeams of a warm afternoon to read one of the library's heavy books, or to continue their studies. As far as Killua can see, no one has overheard their conversation.

Good. At least something.

The white, silent marble walls warmly reflect the sunlight and give off an almost cozy feeling that Killua thinks he could definitely enjoy in another moment. They somehow-but-also-not-quite remind him of his home, though; marble has always been the favorite material of his mother. But where the house of his childhood was black and silver, the Academy's halls are white and gold in the warm afternoon sun, and the impression is quickly gone. It's almost relaxing here, Killua thinks. Maybe he can sneak out sometime, spend some time here alone. Just enjoy the architecture and the sun, without having to worry about reviving what should definitely stay in the past.

"We're here", Gon says, breaking the almost comfortable silence and stopping in front of one of the heavy doors that line the hall all the way. There's the number '3091' in golden letters engraved on the dark wood.

Gon pulls out a key - golden, like the numbers - and unlocks the door with a small clicking noise. Instead of entering, he makes a step to the side and waits, as if he wants Killua to enter before himself.

Well, if he wants to.

Killua makes a few steps into the dark room and is only mildly surprised when suddenly light flickers on the second he touches the floor. He looks around.

Gon's room - or should he say, quarters? - are large even for two people, let alone for one alone. There's the main room, in which Killua is standing right now, where a bed and a spare mattress, a desk and various drawers stand amidst of thousands of sheets of papers that lie scattered across the room in one giant swirl of chaos. Of course; keeping everything at its place has never been Gon's forte, Killua remembers bittersweetly. But still, somehow he can't shake off the fact that there is something unfamiliar with the room. As if everything in it was only recently transferred here, and Gon didn't quite have the time to make it his yet. But Gon must have lived in this room for almost three years now, so how? It just doesn't add up, so he judges that there must be somethings wrong with his feelings. Wouldn't be the first time.

There's a bathroom nearby, too, and even though Killua can only see fragments of it through a half-closed door, he can take a pretty good guess that it is more luxurious than everything he has had in the last few months. Gold-lined sink inclusive, and probably even one of those bathtubs with warm water that they started selling in Capital City a few months ago.

And there's a balcony, one where Killua can't stop himself from walking over and opening the door. Compared to the rest of Gon's quarters, it's not especially big or luxurious, but Killua immediately falls in love with the view; mountains and woods as far as the view goes, with no signs of the huge city in sight. A few stories below, the Academy's personal garden stretches, priding itself with a variety on flowers and plants Killua can see even from up here.

Gon clears his throat somewhere in the rooms behind him, and suddenly Killua is pulled back into reality, where he has to work together with his estranged childhood friend in order to defeat a mysterious monster.

With a heavy heart, Killua turns away from the scenery and walks back into the quarters, before letting himself fall on the (queen-sized) bed in the middle of the room and sitting down with crossed legs. "So", he says, and his aversion to having this conversation is just as visible as the one in Gon's eyes. "Your ghost."

Gon nods, pulls up a chair to the other end of the room and sits down at his desk, turned to Killua.

"Describe it."

Gon blinks, as if he doesn't quite know how to phrase it into words. "I should probably start at the beginning", he sheepishly admits. When he half-smiles and ruffles a hand through his hair, Killua feels a sting in his heart, trying not to admit to himself just how much he missed Gon in those last few years.

"Well?" Killua hates how impatient and bitter his voice sounds when all he wants to do is to be able to talk to Gon like they are still best friends and maybe-something-more-one-day. As if that wasn't something that lied behind them since long ago.

Gon takes a deep breath and avoids eye contact across the room. His gaze dashes over the bed, the unsorted sheets of paper on the ground and his desk, before finally settling on the balcony door. "After three years at the Academy, every student has to perform a summoning. It started four months ago, and I'm still basically in the beginning, but something must have gone wrong, because strange things started happening around me?"

"Strange things?" Killua subconsciously leans forward, and for a moment he gets so absorbed in Gon's tale that he forgets their situation along with his hostility. "How?"

"Things get... weird sometimes. Basically, they explode."

And then, Killua can't help himself but snort with laughter for a moment, though there is nothing funny about the situation at all. But it reminds him so painfully of the times back then when Gon used to sneak into Aunt Mito's kitchen and create a huge mess, and later tried to write it off as an accident, that he instinctively reacts like that. He's mortified one moment later, and immediately sits back in horror, shocked at how easily his feelings still get the best of him every time.

"No, but really", Gon says after a moment of uncomfortable silence in which Killua wishes to claw out his heart to make his suffering finally end. "They told us before that we aren't allowed to experience strong, reoccuring emotions like anger, because it could possibly disturb our connection to the Demon's world, but I really didn't - but still. When it started, it was only small - a book falling from a shelf in the library, that kind of thing, but last week, my previous room exploded and I had to relocate into this one. That's when the Academy decided to consult- well, you."

An explosion. That explained the strange feeling of disconnection Killua experienced when he first entered the room - it all made sense now, somehow. But still...

"What you are describing, that sounds like an Anshée", Killua says bluntly.

"The demon?" Gon asks. "That's what my teachers told me, too."

"But an Anshée feeds from strong emotions", Killua explains, like he's talking to a child; although he knows Gon can easily keep up with him when it's about magical knowledge, he gains a strange kind of satisfaction from it. Maybe because this is something he can surpass the prodigy in. "If you want me to make it disappear, you'll have to confront that emotion first."

"But I keep telling you, there is no emotion!", Gon answers, upset like this is a conversation he has had dozens of times before. "There must be another solution to it!" But even from his place on the bed on the other side of the room, Killua can see that Gon averts his gaze to the floor and refuses to meet Killua's eyes even more than usual. It's obvious - Gon still is just as bad a liar as he was years ago.

If they were still best friends, Killua would have a heart-to-heart-talk with Gon about whatever he has the feeling he needs to hide. They need to get to the core of that at some point anyway, and better talk it through with a friend, right?

But the thing is, they are not friends anymore. They haven't seen each other in so long, and even before, there are still things that happened between them that can never be undone. Too much bitterness, too much hurt on both sides. So Killua doesn't walk over to him, doesn't kneel in front of Gon to talk to him in a deep, calming voice until Gon tells him whatever he has been bottling up like he did so many times when they were kids. Instead, Killua stretches his legs across the bed and finally stands up. "Fine", he says. "Keep your secrets if you want to. I'm not gonna pressure you, but it's your life that's threatened, not mine, okay?"

He takes a deep breath and walks over to the exit, snatching the golden key from a cupboard close to the door. "I'm gonna visit the gardens", he exclaims as he doesn't receive an answer from Gon. "Try to not get yourself killed in the meantime."

He unlocks and closes the door behind him before Gon can give an answer to that (Killua doubts he would have gotten one, anyway), and stands in the hallway. Takes a deep breath.

So, where are the gardens again? Killua desperately needs some fresh air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, if you wanna chat, my tumblr is @songbird-words :))


	5. catch me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stop running, eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooo, sorry for disappearing like that!! but now im back and i cant wait to upload the rest of this :)

It's late when Killua returns. He finished walking in the gardens a long time ago - they were beautiful, indeed, but with the sudden warmth today, it was almost overcrowded with students wanting to enjoy at least a bit of sunlight before going back into the dark walls of the Academy, and as much as Killua understands them, he really wasn't keen on human interaction. So he borrowed a few books on magical history and summoning curses (couldn't hurt) from the library and found a quiet corner where he could sit, skimming through the pages without really reading any of the text. Because all that was on his mind was Gon.

After a few hours, he finally gave up and returned to the dorms. A quick glance on the huge clock in the hallway told him it was way past midnight, anyway; there was no chance Gon was still awake at this hour, not if he had classes tomorrow. Which his schedule told Killua. Not creepy.

The door is silent when he opens it, not even a squeak, but the lock clicks metallically and he flinches at the sound that's unnaturally loud in the quiet hallway. Inside, the lights are turned off, and Killua can spot a dark, sleeping figure in the bed - Gon. Internally, Killua breathes a sigh of relief, that at least he doesn't have to talk to Gon right now, if nothing else.

He walks into the bathroom silently, which he can now see in the twilight ist just as big and gold-filled as he expected it expected it to be and brushes his teeth before putting on some pajamas and rolling up in the mattress they put out for him.

Killua stares at the ceiling and wonders why he is even here. Not here, on this world (he's had that conversation with himself plenty of times when he was younger, and has enough of it), or even here at the Academy, but here, in this exact room with nobody else but a sleeping Gon Freeccs. Why everything that happened and didn't happen between the two of them didn't keep them from ever seeing each other again. Why fate has to be so kind yet so cruel to give Killua a second chance on the one big mistake he made in this young life of his, only for him to mess it up again and again because he just can't let go of the past.

It's hopeless to think about it, he decides. He's here now, and no matter what happens, things between him and Gon probably won't get better again. So there's only one logical line of action for him: Get the job done as soon as possible (read: get Gon to talk about his true feelings somehow) and leave, this time forever. Never see Gon again, and let time heal the wounds they themselves couldn't.

So he curls into his makeshift bed, closes his eyes and tries to get sleep while he can. If he wants to end this job as soon as possible, he's gonna need as much rest as he can.

\--

Morning comes much sooner than expected, and it carries Gon Freeccs with it.

More precisely, it carries a fully dressed and less-than-happy Gon Freeccs with it, who is currently trying to apparently impale Killua by nudging him repeatedly with his shoe in the stomach in an attempt to wake him up.

"Ow, fuck", Killua curses and sits up. "You couldn't think of a less painful way to wake me up?" He ruffles through his hair, suddenly slightly self-conscious about his looks. Which has absolutely nothing to do with Gon looking as good as always in his emerald green robes. Absolutely not.

"Good morning", Gon greets him. "We're meeting one of my teachers in a few minutes, so get ready."

"Well, shit", Killua murmurs under his breath and lazily rolls out of his bed to go and make himself look at least slightly more acceptable. "Wait a few minutes, I'll be right back."

A few minutes turn into five and then fifteen when he starts looking for nice clothing (not too nice, but presentable-like at least) and tries to brush his hair, but Gon waits patiently until Killua storms out of the bathroom a quarter hour later with a harsh "Well? Let's go."

They walk down the halls in silence, only interrupted by Gon occasionally greeting students he meets - a blonde boy a few years older than them with bright red eyes, and a kid that can't be older than fourteen with unruly brown hair and bright white robes. A novice, maybe?

When they finally come to rest in front of two heavy, metal-laced doors, Killua is almost happy that the uncomfortable silence between them breaks when Gon opens one of the doors and they finally meet Gon's teacher.

Or... so Killua thought. Because the only person in the lecture hall except for them is a blonde girl, not older than twelve or thirteen years, in a pink dress that sits on one of the desks and skims through one of the lecture books.

Killua is just about to excuse them and exit the room so the girl can have some time for herself, when Gon smiles and calls "Good morning, Mrs. Bisky!" across the room.

The girl looks up from the book she's been reading and gives them both a disapproving look as if she only now has noticed them; but Killua is quite sure she has been watching them closely since before they even entered. The presence she gives off is... threatening to say the least. How can a girl this young have such a malicious aura around herself?

"Finally!", she exclaims. "I was wondering whether that demon of yours killed you for good on your way down here, considering how long you took."  
She lets her gaze wander to Killua, examining him closely with narrowed eyes. "And I guess this must be the monster hunter the Academy hired to assist you?" She wasn't speaking to Killua, he noticed, as if he was nothing but air to her. Just who the hell was this girl?

"He is", Gon reassures her without letting even a hint of his voice getting out of control. Sounding perfectly neutral, though Killua can still read every expression Gon is trying to hide.

Bisky nods. "Might just be good for something, at least. A Zoldyck, right?" She sighs and ignores how Killua frowns at her words. Until she read his official records, there would be no reason for her to know his last name.

"I just hope you two are professional enough not to let your past get between you two", she continues, and this time Killua can't help but to breathe in abruptly in shock at her words. How does she know-

His eyes fly to Gon, because the only possibility is that Gon told her about them somehow, and if he did, he's gonna-

But Gon, although more composed, looks just as shocked/surprised as Killua. His eyes widen and he leans back a bit, while Bisky just looks at them with a deadpan stare. "Don't be so surprised", she comments dryly. "That tension between the two of you would be obvious even if I were deaf and blind. And Gon, at least you should be accustomed to me knowing most things yet." She gives them another disapproving look before continuing: "In other news, Gon, have you made any progress with your... situation yet?"

Gon shakes his head and makes a face. "We didn't have exactly much time to talk yesterday", he tries to explain diplomatically, and Bisky snorts. Seriously, who the fuck is that girl?

"I really doubt that, but okay", she says. "I want you two - Zoldyck, that includes you - to spend the day in the library, reading up as much about demons, curses and summonings gone wrong as you can. Don't give me that face, I'm not known for mercy, and you youngsters might just as well learn something new. Write down everything you find, even things you deem unimportant. I want a scroll with at least two feet length at the end of the day in my office, understood?"

"Understood", Gon answers, although with less than just a little enthusiasm, and Killua follows just a moment later with a murmured "Understood". Then, he follows Gon, who is already almost out of the room, and leaves as quickly as possible.

Once the door falls shut behind them, grudges be damned, Killua can't help but exhale with a deep huff. "Who the hell was that?", he demands, and Gon looks at him curiously.

"That was Bisky", he explains with a voice as light as if he was talking about the weather. "She's one of my teachers." He seems almost happy, as if he is glad that Killua is talking to him again. Well, Killua can promise him that that won't last very long. Only right now, because...

"But that- She's, like, twelve!" Killua exclaims, too dazzled by Gon's revelation to remember and put any real grudge in his voice. "How can she be a teacher at this age?"

Gon passes by various old-looking doors and opens one of them with a squeak like it hasn't been oiled in at least a decade. He laughs. "Don't get fooled by her looks, she's at least fifty. She just likes to look like that. Anyway, we're here."

The room they enter must be a side branch of the main library, because although Killua is quite sure he hasn’t been here yet, the giant shelves and the pulsating, calming roots all over the place look just the same. There are few other people here at this time of the day; Killua can only spot two students sitting at tables across the room, and a clerk hastily putting books into the shelves.

It looks almost comfortable.

"The books we need are back there", Gon explains and gives Killua a side look when he thinks Killua isn't looking. "Let's... split up?"

Killua thinks about it for a moment. "Yeah", he agrees. "Yea- sounds good. Let's do this."

He branches off into the library without waiting for Gon, and takes a look at the shelves instead. The names on the books are faded out, unreadable at times, but there are metal plaques on the individual shelves that guide anyone who searches for knowledge. Killua takes a look at the aisles, quickly checking where Gon is, and then drifting off into one of the side branches to look for whatever they need - undisturbed. He can't use company right now.

He picks one of the books from a nearby shelf - it's dark red, bound in leather and looks promising enough - and starts to read.

Time flies by afterwards; Killua couldn't say how much time he has spent looking at old, rotten books by now, but he guesses it must have been at least two hours, maybe three. There is a small pile of books next to him by now, but none of them are quite what he is looking for; there must be something more, right?

He risks a single glance over to where Gon is working on his own pile of books, and is just quick enough to notice to things at the same time.

First, the intense ganze with which Gon is watching him, looking away as soon as he sees that Killua watches him.

And second, the huge bookshelf that is collapsing over Gon.

Killua doesn't spare a single moment to think. Neither to stand around and watch as the books fall like in slow-motion over Gon, who is completely oblivious. No, he screams Gon's name as loud as he can, and dives forward to push his best friend out of the way of the falling books.

They fall to the ground together as the shelf comes crashing down next to them with a deafening sound, Killua heavily panting as he half-kneels over Gon, and Gon with wide eyes, watching the pile of books and wood that lies where he stood just a moment ago. "Killua..."

In the same moment, Killua realizes what's going on - including the fact that he has all but draped himself completely over Gon in an attempt to shield him from falling books, resulting in a position that keeps them way closer than Killua is comfortable with.

"Killua..." Gon's gaze is wide-eyed, and he looks at Killua with a stunned expression, as if he couldn't believe his eyes. "You saved me?" Like it's a question, like he is not sure if what just happened is actually reality. Despite all that has happened between them, at the thought that Gon didn't actually believe Killua would save him, Killua's heart wrenches and almost breaks.

With cheeks that are definitely not burning crimson red, Killua sits up immediately and shoves Gon's shoulders back in an attempt to create space between them. They are still way too close for Killua's liking, but at least there is less direct-touching between them now.

And then he takes a deep breath. "Of course I would, you huge goddamn idiot!", he shouts before he can actually think of a better way to convert all those goddamn emotions. "I would always-"

He will later deny this, but there are tears in his eyes as he clenches his teeth. It is only then that he realizes what could have happened right now.

So he hugs Gon.

And Gon hugs him back; clings to him as if the world would end if he ever let go again, buries his face deep in Killua's shoulder and stifles his sobs through the heavy fabric until Killua rests his head on Gon's head and silently allows him to do the same.

"You huge, huge, idiot", Killua finally manages to say, because he still can't believe that even after everything, Gon would actually believe that Killua wouldn't come to his rescue in a heartbeat, no matter what.

It feels like an eternity before Gon slowly loosens his hold on Killua's jacket and leans back. "Thanks", he says through red-lines eyes and a voice that is still dangerously soft, but after all, he still avoids Killua's gaze. Looks to the side instead.

Killua stands up heavily. "Don't mention it", he says, partly because he thinks it would be awkward for him, and partly because it is Gon. Who is still a very complicated topic for him. But, still, after all-

"Hey", Killua adds, and earns a soft, questioning hum from Gon in return. "I'm- I'm sorry. For how I acted."

"No, No-" Gon looks so distressed that in some other timeline, Killua surely would have snorted and laughed out loud. It's kind of cute to witness, though. "If anything, I should be the one- I-"

He stops, and clears his throat and still looks to the floor, instead in Killua's face. Killua can't suppress the tiniest of smiles, because Gon still can't apologize for shit. But at the same time, the hurt burns heavily in his chest, and isn't loosening its grip around Killua's heart anytime soon, it seems. Oh, how bitter it is, to finally having what you want so close, only to get in your own way trying to get it. A play without end.

"I hurt you so much with what I said back then", Gon finally says when Killua almost believes he will never say something again. And then, the shock kicks in; because from all the things Killua deemed impossible to happen, Gon apologizing for THAT was on top of his list. Even before his family finally loving him like Mito does. Even before Alluka returning to him. Gon apologizing, even bringing up that by himself, shouldn't even be possible.

Killua doesn't know how to deal with it.

"It's- okay", Killua says. Nothing is okay, but it has nothing to do with Gon this time; except that it HAS, but only because after years of wanting to hear these words, Killua can't deal with the fact that he finally got to hear them.

But nevertheless, he gives Gon a weak smile and shrugs. "Wanna catch up?"


	6. two steps forward, one back (it's like dancing, darling)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> easy as breathing, once you learn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! since you noticed that i don't have the most regular updating schedule, i'll do all of you a favor and post the 5 remaining chapters in one go, since i already finished them anyway - have fun and thanks for sticking with this fic until now! your feedback means super much to me and i love all of you <33

Talking to Gon after everything - properly talking, not just trying to tensely convey just as much information as needed - is... weird. In a good way. Probably. Killua isn't quite sure yet.

From someplace near the library, Gon found them coffee in two wooden cups, and they piled all the books they stumbled upon on one huge pile on a table between them, and now Killua is constantly worrying that they might fall down again. After what just happened, it isn't exactly the safest storage method for books, but then again, Gon doesn't really seem to care about that.

So now they sit at a small library table, drinking strong, dark coffee from their respective cups and try to find a way to start a conversation.

It truly is weird. Mainly, because Killua has still very much not forgiven Gon for what he did, and the situation is still somehow awkwardly tense between the two of them, but he is still more relaxed than he has been in several days and he finally feels like it's GON he's talking to, instead of some random stranger with the same face.

So, it might be weird, but Killua still can't help but to almost smile. After all, it's them. Finally reunited. Nothing could stop them back then, and nothing will, now, because if the two of them work together, the world doesn't stand a chance. They will defeat that stupid demon and then they can finally talk about all the issues that still sit between them and then they can maybe-

Kiss and elope and ride into the sunset romantically.

Yeah, sure. No. Gon made sure to cross out every possibility of that years ago.

"I really don't want to touch on a sensitive topic here", Gon says after they exchanged small talk for a few minutes, "but why isn't Alluka with you? Wasn't that your whole goal when you left Whale Island? To rescue her?"

Then, he goes pale and Killua can see the horror slowly spreading across his face. "Don't tell me..."

A few years back, Killua would have been taken aback by the question, because the hurt back then was still too fresh, as were the wounds Alluka's disappearance left on his soul. But today, years after that incident, the wounds have faded to scars and he can quickly reassure Gon with a smile: "Don't worry, don't worry, she's fine! She's just... not here."

"But where is she, then?" Gon asks, looking around as if she would suddenly appear behind one of the many bookshelves in the library.

"That's a bit more difficult to explain", Killua says. He takes a sip from his coffee, sets the mug down again and sights.

"When I left Whale Island, it was with the belief that Alluka got abducted by a monster, and had to be rescued. So I became a monster hunter, desperate to free her again." Although many years lay between then and now, the memory is still fresh in Killua's mind, as if it had been yesterday. But he is relieved by how easily it is to talk about it nowadays. It doesn't hurt as much anymore.

Gon watches Killua with attentive, calm golden eyes as he continues. No word escapes from his lips, but Killua can see that he is focused on every word he says.

"But when I finally found her... the monster wasn't quite what I expected." He swallows and tries to recall the memory from that day. It isn't hard. "What I found was Alluka, seemingly all by her own - and the monster that sometimes took over instead of her. And Alluka told me everything. About the experiments my parents" - he shivers, because everything they were, they certainly weren't _parents_ to them - "did to her when she was a kid, and how they bound a demon from another world to her soul. And that she finally ran away on her own free will, instead of being abducted. And that she waited there for me, because she knew I would come for her, one day, and then she would explain everything to me."

Gon looks shocked. Although he has never known Alluka personally, Killua has spent so many hours back then, telling Gon about his little sister. By now, Gon probably knows her better than Killua's family ever did. "So that means..."

"Yes." Killua nods. "She hugged me goodbye and left to live with the likes of her - other demons, and possessed children like her." He can't stop the bitterness that drips into his voice when he continues. "She seemed so happy to have found that option - how could I have told her to stay?"

"Killua-" Gon makes a small movement, like he wants to touch Killua but isn't sure if he is allowed to. Which is probably good, because Killua still isn't sure if he would want to be touched by Gon.

(Well, yes, _yes_ , but- it's complicated.)

"I'm sorry. Really. If I had known..." Gon probably isn't sure himself what he wants to say, because there isn't a right ending to this sentence, anyways. What could, what would he have done if he had known? Would he have broken the radio silence between them, would he have left the Academy for Killua. He wouldn't have, probably, so really - it's for the best this way.

"No, it's... probably good the way it went", Killua says truthfully. He doesn't see any benefits in trying to talk it pretty - their estrangement from each other is a fact, and they have to deal with it one way or another. "But don't worry, I got over it a long time ago. And I became the best monster hunter to have ever existed along the way!" Now he can't help but to feel a little proud, too - there are as many monster hunters as there is sand at a beach, but Killua has managed to rise above them with nothing but his own willpower and talent. Not his family name, not someone pulling the strings in the background for him. That's something he managed on his own, and he is proud of it.

"Whoa!" Gon positively beams at him, and for a moment, the suns seems to shine directly into Killua's face. "And to think I am still a student and not even close to the higher rankings..." He grins. "Killua is still so cool!"

It takes only a second, and then Killua goes bright red. "Wha- Cut that out, that's embarrassing!", he scolds, but a smile creeps on his lips and something in his heart warms at a scene that could be taken straight from Whale Island - peaceful days, that make Killua light up with joy at the mere thought of them.

Although there are still things that can't be undone, and apologies unspoken between them, for a moment, the world is fine.

-

Later, after spending hours in the library researching, Killua collapses over a pile of books in their shared quarters and sighs. "I can't believe it", he moans. "We spent _hours_ in that stupid library, and didn't even find anything that could be helpful. At all. What did we even go there for?"

"Aw, come on!", Gon calls from the bathroom, where Killua can only assume that he is trying to brush his unruly hair for once, based on how goddamn lang he takes. "Don't call the library stupid, it is a huge source of knowledge and can be very helpful!" He opens the door and walks over to the bed to let himself fall all over it. He is wearing pajamas and his hair is down, still damp from the shower he took - it makes him look years younger. "Although it is kind of discouraging that we didn't find anything useful..."

"Told you so." Killua, who is ready for bed since he woke up, rolls over and pushes a little button next to Gon's bed to turn off the lights. Gon squeaks surprised for a second, but doesn't protest.

With nothing but the moon illuminating the room through the huge windows, it is suddenly difficult to see more than simple silhouettes and the shadows they throw on the walls. Maybe that is why Killua dares to touch the one subject again that they were dancing around the whole day.

He rolls on his back and stares at the dark ceiling. "Hey", he begins, and waits for Gon to say "Hm?" to continue.

"I know we talked about that before, but - are you completely sure that you aren't the cause for that demon?"

It's silent after his question, and when it becomes clear that Gon doesn't want to answer it, Killua continues. "When we looked at the books, we didn't find any information on any other source. And the behaviour of that haunting of yours... It fits exactly into the patterns of-”

"Killua." Gon's voice cuts through his words, not hostile, but very clear. "Good night."

When Killua looks over to him, he can only see Gon rolling over, so his back is facing Killua. A clear message of "leave me alone."

Shit. Killua fucked up - again.

"I'm-", he starts, but never finishes. He isn't sorry, really, and he is now 100% sure that Gon is just dodging the problem. That this whole mess is, in fact, connected to Gon and some emotion or another somehow, and that in order to solve it, Gon needs to cut out that bullshit. So no, he isn't sorry. And he will get that answer, somehow.

"Good night", Killua says and rolls over and closes his eyes, so he doesn't have to see Gon anymore. Tomorrow's a day, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @lorilanda!


	7. sunset blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe one day they'll learn.

When Killua wakes up the next morning, Gon isn't there.

His first reaction is shock. His second anger, mostly at himself, because he lets Gon take over his emotions that easily. Just like that.

He looks around. Based on how the sun shines through the big windows directly into the room, it has to be late morning at last - probably around ten, or eleven o'clock. Great - Killua usually never sleeps in that late, and now Gon is nowhere in sight. And Killua has no way to contact him.

With nothing to do, Killua decides that he can at least be somewhat productive until Gon returns. So he takes a long shower, washes his hair and uses the hot water to finally burn off the bad feeling that his fight with the dragon a few days ago still carries. Then, he sits down on the floor, spreads his collection of knives - exactly sixteen - in front of him, and starts cleaning them.

As a child, before he ran away to Whale Island, his family gifted him six knives for his birthday. He was four years old, barely comprehending what to do with them, but they taught him soon enough - his mother, to hide it, his father to kill without mercy. Milluki taught him poison to drench the blade in, and Illumi showed him how to throw it with deadly precision. Back then, Killua named his blades, each one the name of the saints he once saw in a church, at an assassination, but the names have long been forgotten, as rust crept on the steel and he used the blades less and less.

The other ten were gifts from various clients and friends he met on his journey, or they were found, or they were bought - there is a story behind every one of them, and as Killua cleans the blades, he thinks of them almost fondly.

By the time the door opens, Killua is almost finished with the last one. He raises his head when Gon enters.

"Hi, Killua!", he says cheerfully, no resiment of their conversation last night visible. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing important." Killua gathers up the knives and puts them back into their sheats again. He stands up. "Where were you?"

Gon shrugs. "I had classes, and I figured you would be fine without me."

"Next time, a notice would be nice", Killua grumbles, but doesn't press the subject further. "So what do we do now? More research in the library?" It wouldn't be of any use, though, he thinks, but doesn't say it out loud.

"I have been assigned to chores", Gon complains and lets himself fall down on the bed backwards. He likes to do that, apparently. "Bisky gave me a really long list of things I need to buy in town - magic stuff, like runestones and sage. Wanna join me?"

"Sure." Killua shrugs. "Not like I got anything better to do."

"Great!" Gon beams, and Killua has a suspicion that more than his company, Gon is just happy that he doesn't have to buy everything alone. The Gods know, that boy probably wouldn't even be able to find back on his own, given his awful memory. To Killua, it is a mystery how Gon even manages to be this good at alchemy, with all the formulas he has to remember. But that's a natural for you, he guesses. "Let's go!"

-

An hour later, they find themselves strolling through the old town of Bishmareth. Killua hasn't been to the capital in several years, and he looks at everything with wide eyes, as Gon grins at him.

"It's not that special, Killua", he says, and Killua clears his throat awkwardly and forces himself not to stare at everything.

"So", he says. "What do we have to buy?"

Gon fumbles in the huge pockets of his robes and finally finds what he is looking for - a piece of parchment with a _lot_ of text written in tiny handwriting. He squints and tries to read the first word. "Ugh, Bisky's handwriting is terrible. I think this says... books? I'm pretty sure it says books."

It's only now Killua realizes that this is going to be a complete disaster. "Idiot", he says and smacks Gon lightly on the head, plucking the parchment out of

Gon's hands. "Books: History of Kurta alchemy, part one to three", he reads out loud. "There's an author, too, some guy called Pairo something. And a notice that we should be able to find this in a bookstore at..." - now he has to squint too, in order to read the tiny letters - "Chroswallace palace?" How the hell are they supposed to get into a palace?

"You mean Coldwater Place?", Gon asks and takes back the parchment. "I know where that is! Follow me!" And with this, he drifts off into the crowd around him faster than Killua can say "surely _not_ ".

"Right. Coldwater Place, not Palace. That makes more sense", Killua mumbles to himself before following Gon. He really doesn't want to get lost in this place.

It takes them almost twenty minutes, but thy manage to find the bookstore eventually. The books too, although that takes them a while. Then, they follow Bisky's hardly readable instructions to a herbs shop and one with flowers in all colors and shapes, until they have almost everything they need.

Afterwards, they take another look at the list.

"It says here that we need to grab some crystals, too", Killua reads out loud when he finally deciphers Bisky's handwriting. "You know any crystal shops nearby by chance?"

"Yep!" Gon beams, almost. "There should be one nearby. If we hurry, we could be there in ten minutes."

"Let's go, then." Killua waits for Gon to show the direction (bad call), then follows him. "But why does the Academy need their students to buy stuff for them anyway? I thought they had clerks and so to buy that for them?"

"In the Academy, there's a principle that a student needs to experience every aspect of sorcery, not just the pleasant ones", Gon explains as he turns into a smaller side street. As soon as they left the main streets, the people they met started to get less and less, and now they are the only ones here. "Apparently, that includes grocery shopping."

"Yeah. Right." Killua isn't too convinced, but who is he to argue with the most renowned magic school to have existed? They opened their doors over five hundred years ago, so they hopefully know what they do.

They arrive at the crystal shop - which is, as Killua learns, not only a crystal shop but also a shop for everything somehow magic related - less than a minute later. The shop owner seems almost relieved to finally get some customers.

"Rarely anyone comes around here", the elderly man tells them excitedly and gives them a whole basket of Amethysts for half the price, ignoring Gon's faint protests that they don't really need them. Killua takes it as a sign of goodwill and spends the next fifteen minutes bargaining about the lapis lazuli's price until they leave the shop with spending only half the budget they originally intended to use.

"But would it have been so bad to just pay the price?", Gon asks, and the slight tilt of his head shows just how confused he is.

Killua grins. It's cat-like. "But where's the fun in that?"

Gon sighs and takes a look at the list again. It's not long before he grins. "Hey, we're done! We bought everything we needed!"

Killua, who carries more than half of their purchases, sights in relief. "Gods, finally. I was getting really worried about my back by now. What did that old guy put into the bags, lead?"

Gon laughs, and it makes Killua's stupid, soft heart feel warm and fuzzy. "Anyways", he says lightheartedly, "let's take a small detour."

Killua frowns. "Why?"

It's Gon's smile that convinces him not to ask any more questions. "Because there is something I wanna show you."

-

There are bridges in the sky. Killua can't describe it any other way - because when the street ends at a cliff, there are narrow, delicate paths crossing the space to the other end. It's seemingly effortlessly how they cut through the sky and make a path for humans to cross, delicate and looking like they could break every moment.

"With the right tools, magicians can fly, of course", Gon explains as if this was common knowledge. "But someone decided to build these bridges a few years ago, for those who can't use magic. Or for tired wizards, I guess." He laughs. "I think they are beautiful, so I wanted to show them to Killua."

Killua is speechless for a moment - both because of the height and the stunning beauty of the bridges. Then, he looks over to Gon and nods affirmatively. "Shall we?"

The first steps Killua takes are cautious, and he has to force himself to do them, even with the stunning beauty of the bridges to bribe him. He can't help it - it just feels unnatural to suddenly have nothing but a bridge as fragile as this one between his feet and the promise of sure death by falling. Like the bridge could collapse under his feet at any second.

Killua looks down over the low handrail and shudders at the endless cliff under it. "How deep down is that, anyway?", he asks without expecting a real answer. But of course, Gon has him covered.

"Nobody has ever thought about measuring how deep it is, I guess", Gon says breezily, as if he is talking about the weather. He stands next to Killua, looking down in the abyss below them. "There are some scientists saying that there isn't even a ground at all, and it just continues forever and ever. But, like I said: Nobody ever actually measured it."

An endless abyss, hm?, Killua thinks and risks one last glance down before he turns away. The bridge under his feet suddenly seems a lot less stable than a single moment before.

But even with the promise of death and falling right under their feet, there is no way Killua couldn't appreciate the sheer beauty and elegance of the bridges. They span across the sky like spiderwebs in all heights and sizes, and the beginning sunset illuminated the white marble in thousands of different shades of orange and yellow and rose and blue. There is nobody but them on the bridges right now, and Killua kind of values the privacy they have; it wouldn't be the same to share this moment with somebody else.

"So, what do you think?" Gon turns around mid-step to look at Killua and smile. "Aren't they great?" His face is soft and in the warm colors of the beginning sunset, he doesn't look like he's from this world at all.

"They are beautiful", Killua says with the voice of someone who doesn't mean the bridges at all; but he doesn't think Gon noticed, so in the end, it's fine. Or maybe Gon does notice, because the look he gives Killua is a bit too intense, a bit too longing, and Killua can't help but to get caught in it.

He returns the look. The air between them suddenly seems to be crackling with the energy between them.

"Killua-"

And then the bridge breaks apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @lorilanda :3


	8. breaking

They smile at each other like the world belongs to no one but them, and then the bridge breaks apart.

Killua barely has the blink of an eye to react, but the adrenaline needs even less than that to kick in. Pure, blank fear pulses through his body in an instant, even before he loses the bit of grounding he had, and makes him freeze in shock.

The fall is there in an instant, as is the biting wind around them and that feeling that lifts Killua's stomach so high he thinks he needs to vomit every second now.

Panic grips his mind. That's exactly what he feared would happen, and in a single instance, he realizes that this is the end. After winning so many fights, often barely escaping death, this would be it: Falling from an exploding bridge and dying in an endless abyss.

And Gon is the cause.

_And Gon is the cause._

Killua is barely even starting to comprehend what actually just happened, as Gon screams his name over the howling of the wind. It takes all of Killua's willpower to overcome both gravity and his paralyzing fear, but he manages to look up eventually - and sees Gon's stretched out hand.

"Take my hand!" Gon shouts.

"What?", Killua shouts back, and looks at him like he's gone mad - because there isn't a logical explanation to that.

 

But of course, the solution Gon has is more practical than holding hands and waiting to crash onto a ground that they don't even know exists. Killua knows that. So he doesn't hesitate and reaches out to clasp his hand around Gon's in a firm grasp.

Gon fumbles around in the bag he still holds on to - wind and gravity make it hard, but he manages - and finally finds what he is looking for: a small package of seemingly unimportant semiprecious stones.

Amethysts.

Gon throws them into the air and shouts a few words that the wind almost rips from his mouth. And then, after a heartbeat and a half has passed and Killua has lost all hope in a single moment, they stop falling.

Instead, they float.

With his other arm, Gon reaches out and grabs Killua's hand until they hold on to each other tightly. Then, he laughs, like only someone can laugh who just defied death. Killua can only stare at him in shock, and disbelief, before his lips softly curl up into a smile.

They float up, their speed exponentially growing with their amplitude, until they finally set foot on the other side of the cliff. At first contact with the ground, they immediately collapse on their knees, only holding on to each other; Gon breathlessly laughing and Killua smiling at him like he put the stars in the sky.

Gon just saved his life. He's allowed to be a bit sappy.

"What just happened?", Killua asks eventually. It's still unbelievable what they just experienced; and even more incredible that they are still alive. If it hadn't been for Gon... He shivers. He had brushes with death before, but this is different. This is something out of control.

Gon laughs. "I don't even know", he says, and grins, before his face grows more serious. "Killua... Do you think it has something to do with my curse?"

Suddenly, the adrenaline in Killua's veins disappears, and transforms into heavy lead instead. "I don't just think so", he says darkly. "I _know_ it. It's the only logical explanation."

"But-" Gon stops. Guilt creeps in his eyes.

"Don't", Killua says, before Gon can say anything stupid. "Don't apologize. It wasn't your fault, and you don't have to take the blame for it."

But was it really not?, asks a small voice in the back of Killua's head. Isn't he the one who keeps lying about the cause of his curse?

"But more importantly", Killua says and softly removes his hands from Gon's hold. They both stand up, shaking but slow and steady, and walk a few meters away from the cliff. "We need to talk about the cause of the curse."

Gon's features immediately turn to stone; there's nothing readable in them. "What do we need to talk about?"

But this time, Killua wouldn't let him off the hook so easily. "You lied back then, and we both know it. Quit playing around and just tell me - how hard can it possibly be!"

There. He said it. There's no going back from here now.

Gon stares straightforward, refusing to meet Killua's gaze, and Killua, who is tired of nearly getting killed by Gon's bullshit, isn't patient enough not to continue.

"Your attitude almost got us killed today - and if I hadn't been there back then in the library, it could've killed you then, too! If you have a death wish, fine, but don't drag other people in this!" He's almost shouting by the end, so he takes a second to breathe in deeply and continue in a calmer voice.

"I just don't understand why you won't fucking _talk_ to me", Killua says, too tired and with wounds a bit too fresh on his soul. "Aren't we supposed to be best friends?" _Aren’t we supposed to be so much more than that? Did you forget everything we once were to each other?_

At this, Gon flinches the slightest bit, and finally crosses eyes with Killua. The pain in Killua's voice reflects in his eyes.

"Is it hate?", Killua asks when he finally resorts to guessing after it becomes clear that Gon won't answer. "Anger? Fear?"

Gon doesn't respond.

Killua swallows heavily and forces himself to ask the next words. "Or... love?"

When he sees the pain and hurt and anger that flashes across Gon's face, he knows that he hit home.

It's almost surreal, at first. The thought that Gon, of all people, would experience a love so strong that it would shake his magic in its roots. But then, the bitterness kicks in. Because if Gon is in love, it’s so very much clear that he has moved on from Killua. That he found someone new. Someone he loves dearly, strong enough to mess up an important conjuring.

 _Who is that person?_ , a part of Killua's mind asks. _When did I stop being the most important person in Gon's life?_

It hurts. Oh, it hurts so bad. But worse is the expression on Gon's face.

"Wait- Gon-", Killua begins, but he never gets the chance to finish his sentence. Gon turns around and shouts a few words, and when a burning portal opens before him, he walks through.

And disappears.

Teleportation. Of course.

Killua is left with nothing but bags torn open, empty space and a heart ripped to pieces once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @lorilanda!


	9. memories taste bitter, taste sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we're almost at the end!

_Three and a half years ago._

It was an open secret that Gon and Killua liked each other.

They were always together. When Gon laughed, Killua smiled like he put the stars in the sky, and when Killua did something dangerous to impress Gon again, the hearts in Gon's eyes were conspicuous.

When they were fifteen, everyone on Whale Island was 100% sure that they would be dating by the end of the year. Hadn't they already, anyway, for years? But what they didn't calculate with were goals that weren't compatible with each other, and broken hearts in favor of personal accomplishment.

It was almost midnight when Killua finally found Gon on top of a cliff, feet hanging down and face raised to the moon hanging over the island. The sight was peaceful, something Killua hadn't seen on Gon in a while, and he almost felt regret that he disturbed it.

"There you are", he said. "I was looking for you everywhere."

"Killua?" Gon had the decency to at least look surprised, but since Killua hadn't made any effort to conceal his presence, Gon probably knew that he was there already. "You should be sleeping if you want to leave tomorrow."

"I could say the same about you." Killua sat down heavily next to Gon, feet hanging down the cliff and back lying in the grass, staring at the moon.

"Why are you still up?"

"Dunno. Couldn't sleep, and I wanted to see Whale Island one last time before I leave, I guess."

Gon sighed. "Me too. Wanna stay here for a while?"

Killua didn't answer in words, just mumbled his agreement and closed his eyes contently. Gon was warm next to him, body heat radiating even now, and Killua wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him. To hold him closely, to be able to call Gon "his", to never let go again. But that was wishful thinking, though it clouded his mind and made it hard to think clearly.

A question ghosted through his mind, and although he knew he shouldn't ask it, the late hour and the pressure of time running out made him say it anyway. "Hey, Gon."

"Hm?" Gon, who laid down as well, rolled over and faced Killua. With nothing but the moon illuminating them, his eyes were more silver than gold. "What is it?"

"Do you wish you would have done something in your life differently?"

Gon looked at him for a long, long moment. "Maybe", he finally said, and the reflections in his eyes told Killua that that wasn't the whole truth. "I'm not sure."

"I do."

There was surprise in Gon's eyes at the words that Killua hastily blurted, before he could lose his courage again. "I do."

"Killua?"

Killua took a deep breath. If he didn't say it now, maybe he'd never get the chance to. "Gon, I've thought so long about how to say this, and I wasn't _going to_ , but now we probably will never see each other again, and I- I wanted to say that I l-"

"Killua", Gon interrupted him. At once, his voice was heavy with sadness. "I don't think we- I don't think you should finish that sentence. Please."

Anger and confusion mixed in Killua's head, forming a roaring spiral. "But _why_?", he asked. "Why? I _know_ you feel the same for me, so _why_?"

"It's like you said", Gon said, and Killua could see the regret and frustration that burned in his eyes. "We will never see each other again, so what good would it bring if we said we love each other now?" The look in his eyes is almost desperate. "Killua, please. Don't make this harder than it already is."

It was anger that finally took over, made Killua stand up and turn around. "Fine", he said with barely suppressed rage and even less concealed hurt in his breaking voice. "Go on with your life. Find somebody you can love, and be happy with them. I wish you the best of luck, really. I hope you can be happy."

Then, he turned around and ran off. He could faintly hear Gon's voice, calling him back, but he wouldn't go back for anything in the world right now.

He ran, and ran, until his lungs burned and he reached their house and broke down, crying and cursing a life that pitched them against each other and made them leave when he wanted nothing more than to simply stay.

They barely saw each other in the morning, never saying goodbye, never apologizing. But it was only when they left with different ships, for different continents, that Killua realized. That the price he had to pay for the safety of his sister was a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> same as always, my tumblr is @lorilanda :)


	10. always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in the end, they are made for each other.

It takes Killua almost three hours to find Gon.

He looks everywhere on this side of the bridges (love and despair be damned, he wouldn't set another foot on those things), asks in shops, in cafés, asks random people on the streets if they've seen an alchemy student that fits Gon's description. Nobody can tell Killua anything helpful, though, so in the end, when he finds Gon in a park way after sunset, it's his own effort.

Gon sits on a bench, back turned to Killua and watching the fountain in the middle of the small place. Killua walks silently, tries to suppress his presence, so that Gon won't instinctively get up and run away again. So when he sits down next to Gon with a simple "Yo", Gon flinches.

"What do you want?", Gon asks, face distrustful like that of a hurt animal. His body language tells that he is ready to disappear again at any moment.

"Nothing", Killua says, even though there are many, many things he wants. "I just wanted to say sorry for what I said earlier."

He doesn't want to say sorry, because the way he sees it, he did nothing wrong by forcing Gon to stop evading the topic, but he knows that it's the fastest way to get Gon to talk to him again.

"I didn't realize it was that much of a sore spot for you", he continues. "But, for you to react that strongly.. You must love them a whole lot, hm?" It's bitter and it burns. Oh, it burns so much, because Killua is still way too much in love with Gon to talk with him about his new love. But what choice does he have, if Gon has decided to move on?

"Yeah", Gon finally says with a quiet voice. "They hate me, though. At least I think they do."

They hate him? Why? Why would anyone ever hate Gon, who is the literal embodiment of kindness and love?

(Most times, anyways.)

Killua asks.

"I-" Gon stops abruptly. "Can I please not tell you? It's... kind of really personal."

Hurt makes Killua's heart explode like a bomb, but he nods. "Sure."

They sit in silence before Killua asks the one question he can't stand not to ask. "But why didn't you tell me earlier? Why did you willingly jeopardize yourself, instead of simply saying what is on your mind? Or... Or telling that person?"

Even though that's the last thing Killua wants. But how could he ever call himself Gon's best friend again if he actively stood in his way of becoming happy?

Gon laughs breathlessly. Helplessly. "I don't know", he says, and Killua thinks that now the time for mind games, for lying and evading questions is finally over. "I think I was too scared. And I didn't want to deal with these feelings, especially because I thought I got over them a long time ago."

A long time ago? Killua frowns; because that would mean-

"So I thought that they would just go away when I didn't pay attention to them", Gon explains, and gives Killua a lopsided smile that makes his heart beat faster. "But they didn't. And then, you came here and I couldn't ignore-"

He stops mid-sentence, and his golden eyes widen a bit, as he realizes that he said more than he probably should have. And Killua gets more confused with every second. But there's an underlying 'what if', something Killua needs to confirm.

"Gon." His voice is soft, but clear. "Who is that person? Who are you in love with?"

For an eternal moment, there is silence. Then, barely audible, Gon says a single sentence. One Killua has longed to hear for years.

"It’s you. I'm in love with you."

And suddenly, the world eases into sweet, sweet gentleness.

Everything will be alright now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr @lorilanda! :)


	11. all will be alright (all will be beautiful)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all is well that ends well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kiss kiss you've fallen in love a long time ago

"You..." Killua doesn't quite know what to say to this - mostly, because everything he ever wished for just became reality, and he doesn't know how to process this. Or the blooming, golden feeling that warms his chest. "For how long?", he finally manages to ask.

"For how long I can think", Gon says quietly. "Maybe even since I first saw you."

This long? So their feelings have been mutual this whole time? Killua isn't sure if he should be frustrated or happy.

But by the look in his eyes, Killua can see that Gon is terribly misunderstanding Killua's reaction. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything", Gon says and turns away, keeping his gaze to the ground. "I just thought that maybe..."

"Gon." When Gon lifts his head, Killua smiles. It's a smile that comes from the bottom of his heart, as warm and soft as Killua feels. "Don't."

Hope glimmers in Gon's beautiful, golden eyes.

"I", Killua starts and then stops again, because even though the love for Gon is _there_ , fills every fiber of his body, he can't say it yet. Can't put into words what he feels. So he settles on: "It's mutual."

Gon smiles brightly, like the sun just appeared on a cloudy day. Killua almost wants to lose himself in this smile, wants to stop thinking about everything else, but there is still one thing that stands between them, that keeps them apart like a huge, cold wall.

"Gon", Killua begins. Hesitant. "Back then, our last night on Whale Island - Why did you... Why did you?"

He doesn't need to elaborate. They both know what he means.

Guilt flashes over Gon's face like lightning. “I’m so sorry”, he blurts out in the spur of the moment. “Killua, I am so sorry for what I did, I-”

He takes a deep breath, and his reaction breaks Killua’s heart. “Back then, I really thought it was the best thing to do, so it would be less painful when we have to leave, but…” Tears start to fill the corners of his eyes. “I was wrong. So wrong, Killua, I-”

And so, when Killua holds out his arms in a silent invitation, Gon collapses into them.

“It’s okay”, Killua whispers and has to pretend that he’s not close to crying, too. “It’s okay. I forgive you, Gon.”

They stay like that for what feels like hours. Gon is warm, his hair soft against Killua’s cheek and Killua can hear his heart beat rapidly through both their coats.

It’s only after much time has passed that Killua leans back, though reluctantly, and looks at Gon. “Hey.”

“Hm?”

“Your curse was from unrequited love, right?”, Killua asks. Though at this point, it’s more of a formality than a real question.

“I think so?”

Killua grins. “It’s no longer unrequited.”

Gon looks at him with wide eyes. “Then that means…”

Killua smiles. “You are free now.” From his curse, from the shackles of the past; together, they can start over. 

He doesn’t need to say anything more than that. Gon leans in, and it feels like this is what fate has planned for them from the beginning. Killua meets him halfway.

When they kiss for the first time, the air around them seems to breathe a sigh of relief.

When they kiss for the second time, they are finally at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're reading this, thank you so much for staying till the end <33 it really means a lot to me that people are reading what i'm writing and i love every single kudos, bookmark and comment i get!! you guys are the best i love y'all very much
> 
> in other news, i doubt i'll be writing hxh for a while - there's a huge project i'm currently working on and it's gonna be durarara!!, so stay tuned for that! won't be long till then ;) 
> 
> and whenever you wanna talk, hmu on tumblr @lorilanda! i love meeting new people and i'd love to hear from you <3


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